It’s been my experience that there are two markets that the radio version of the republican spin machine appeals to: Intelligent people who like to throw fuel on the fire that is their hate for republicans, and idiots like you. Although I’m pacified by yelling the rubber off of my steering wheel every time Rush Limbaugh makes up facts that are obviously wrong, or Jim Bohannon pulls a shallow alien conspiracy out of his ass, they tend to pacify the rest of you by making the talk shows even more inept and insulting to my intelligence than the one playing before it.

Scraping the bottom of this shit-hole is a tiresome, narcissistic bitch named Kim Komando. Yes, her name is an indication: she’s to idiot what shit stain is to your girl-friends favorite lingerie.

She hosts the ‘Kim Komando Show’, a technology based talk show aimed at people who think USB is pronounced UBS. This would be fine, but she’s just as clueless as the ones she preaches to. I never thought somebody could pull in her high-dollar income by being such a failure at their profession and self-proclaimed expertise. If liking technology and knowing dick about it makes you Kim Komando money, I should have never learned how to turn on a computer and ranted about how Internet Explorer causes brain-tumors due to the wireless signals it emanates.

Lost yet? Well, If you think Rush Limbaugh is a vibrator attachment, then you probably can’t read, much less possess the phonological awareness to even pronounce the acronyms this bitch gets wrong. Come to think of it, you probably had to re-read that last sentence and you still don’t know what I’m talking about… think hooked-on-phonics, idiot.

Before I get too far in to making a structured case on why this woman, and her entire fan base, should be tied to a church, beaten within an inch of their lives and raped, I want to say one little thing first: I hope she dies in a plane crash afterwards.

Why? Well, She has these ‘Quick Tip’ commercials in between the entertaining talk shows, where she gives gullible fucktards advice on topics that she barely has a rudimentary understanding of. I was riding home from work today when I heard one of these blurbs, and I was taken aback by her ineptitude.

She, and I’m not exaggerating here, got on national radio and told people that Wikipedia.com (never mind that the real URL is wikipedia.org) was inaccurate, anybody could add any content to it and it will not be checked (implying that wikipedia was abandoned by everyone other than the millons of people who read it), and parents shouldn’t let their kids use it. Instead, she figured, parents should opt for a volume of encyclopedias or a CD/DVD based interactive encyclopedia.

Read em’ and weep, Kim.

Just as accurate, free, and a whole hell of a lot more accessible and easier to use. Thanks for trying to set humanity back 20 years, Cunt. Next time, instead of talking out of your ass, try doing a google search before you say shit that millions of people who perpetually try and vote themselves to extinction will accept as truth just because it’s on the radio.

As a person who likes free things that kick ass, I was naturally fuming over the idea that some idiot parent is going to tell their kids not to use wikipedia because Kim Komando said it was inaccurate; or worse yet go out and buy a $1000 encyclopedia that’ll be obsolete 6 months before it’s printed.

So, I figured I’d see if this was a fluke or if she’s just an idiot. First things first: This was right on her front page. 5 Common Sense Computer Tips.

read right along with me

Here are five things you can do for a little added security:

1. Leave your computer on

Today, you have security programs to defend against viruses, worms, spyware and other attacks. These programs are always playing catch-up. Hackers are constantly probing for weaknesses, and seemingly every day there’s a new threat.

Security software and your computer’s operating system are regularly updated to stem these threats. If your computer is off at night, you’ll have to update during the day, when you’re working. Or worse, the new threat hits your system before you have a chance to download updates.

Huh?! No, No, No! Bad! What kind of half-conceived advice is that? First off, Updating your security software/OS on Wednesdays at 3AM went out of style when the term ‘Live Update’ entered our vernacular. Practically every piece of security software worth running checks for updates every few minutes, and either downloads them behind the scenes or tells you to download it immediately. Even my grandma and AOL users get updates during the day. Windows, especially, will download and install hotfixes, and then bitch about it every twenty seconds until you restart your computer so you can finish writing your script in peace.

Turning off your computer eliminates the risk of getting hacked. You’re computers not on – it’s hack-proof. Telling people that everyday there’s a new threat, people have to assume that once or twice the anti-virus companies will miss one for a day or two. So, a good way to get hacked is making sure your computer is online as much as possible. She must have failed critical thinking in special ed.

4. Watch the status bar

The status bar is a frequently overlooked tool at the bottom of your browser. You can use it to check links on a Web page. Hold your mouse over a link, and the address of the link appears in the status bar. It may not help if the address is spoofed, but it is still handy.

Checking links via your status bar would be common sense if most people had a clue what they were looking for. Too bad most people haven’t the slightest inclination of what a status bar is, or why it would help you prevent spoofed addresses. Come to think of it, most people don’t even know what a spoofed address is either. What’s next, Kim? Want to explain to these guys about proper coding techniques that’ll prevent buffer underrun exploits? I’m sure you’ll explain it so well that nobody will have a clue what you’re talking about. If anything’s clear, it’s that you’re fucking phenomenal at that.

5. Protect your Windows Clipboard

Malicious Web sites may attempt to copy information from your Windows Clipboard. That is the utility that temporarily stores information from cut and copy operations.

I know, ZDNet even wrote about this – but this begs the question: Who would do this? So what if somebody dumped my clipboard contents to a database? They have my password?! To what? My email account? My bank? Oh no! I better change my password! Too bad my clipboard, doesn’t contain all the information required to do jack shit on the internet! So they have my password, now if they had a bunch of other random shit, they might be able to read my spam! Definitely a common sense security tip, Kim! I’ll be sure to turn that off when I uninstall all of my windows updates, stop using firefox and I don’t have a gun handy.

Hell – notice where she doesn’t mention turning on automatic updates, or using Firefox instead of IE (which, btw, doesn’t have the clipboard flaw) or running a security suite… if I depended on her for my security, The Horry County Police Department would be pulling me up out of a swamp.

Floating around her site a little more, I stumbled on this gem in her ‘Tips of the day’. It’s interesting to note, by the way, that this isn’t a tip of the day section as much as a ‘Ask Kim A Question So She Can Fuck Up Your Computer’ section, but enough with the silly labels - let’s see this waste of space and bandwidth in action! behold:

Lorri called from Detroit because she had a problem with a recent computer upgrade. She finally made the switch from Windows ME to Windows XP.

But there’s one problem: When the computer is booted, she is asked to select between Windows ME and XP. She would like to do away with this and boot directly into XP.

First thing I thought of was deleting the folder. It’s dual boot, the folder shouldn’t be linked to windows XP. Then, run msconfig, click the ‘boot.ini’ tab, and click ‘Check all boot paths’ and let the obvious take control of you.

Her answer: Verbatim.

“Theoretically, there is a way to eliminate Windows ME and have a single-boot system. I don’t recommend this. Even as an experienced computer user, I wouldn’t want to tackle that.

So, Lorri, but your best option is to live with the problem. Alternatively, you can reinstall XP. If you do, select the option to overwrite Windows ME.”

I googled ‘delete windows me from windows xp dual-boot’, and the third link down was a PC Mag Article explaining how to delete the windows folder, and run msconfig, complete with pictures. Thanks Kim, you’re brilliant.

I’m getting tired of surfing this ass ugly disgrace of geekdom, so I’m going to speed things up a bit.

Kim’s Shareware Picks

Right off the top of my head, the following shareware programs she lists that aren’t shareware.

Spybot S&D, OpenOffice, Google’s Picasa, Google Toolbar, Avast, AVG, Belarc Advisor, THE MICROSOFT POWERTOYS… there’s probably more, but you get my point. Every item I listed is freeware, and OpenOffice is, well, Open source.

Kim’s cool sites… she has an entry there called ‘Life on Mars’.

remember when the idea of landing on Mars was science fiction. Now, it’s almost a reality.

Landing on Mars is a reality, dumb ass. Ever heard of The Mars Rover? (Note: The Link goes to Wikipedia, and it’s all lies. I made all of it up a few minutes ago just because the look on her face when she realizes that for a geek, she’s a decade behind the times will have me popping like a dozen boners.)

The Diomedes Mission, set to launch in 2017, plans on inhabiting Mars. The idea may sound impossible, but everything has been carefully planned.

The Mission plans on inhabiting Mars. Somebody should explain to her that it’s the Astronauts who plans on inhabiting Mars, and they aim to do so by way of a mission. Her way of saying it makes it sound like she believes that the mission it’s self plans on hopping in to a space ship and colonizing the planet. She even confirms it in the next sentence, ‘you may think it’s impossible for the mission to hop in to the space ship and land on Mars, but the mission has planned it out carefully.’ - Her way’s more interesting, but my way has the virtue of not sounding like retarded bullshit.

Before long you will see how realistic life on Mars can be. Some day, you may become a real Martian.

Does this woman have a problem structuring thoughts so they make sense? First off, what the hell else would you expect living on mars to be, if it’s not realistic? Does shit on Mars look like a badly rendered video game? Are the people on Mars as realistic as Max Headroom and spew off non-sensual new age hippy bullshit and the women are whorish and abundant? Second off, I hate to break it to her – but I could never become a real martian, unless moving to Mars would somehow change the space/time continuum so I wasn’t born on Earth.

I’ve had just about enough of her, look…She shouldn’t be allowed to  have a website. Shouldn’t there be some kind of governing body, ruled by people like me, who prevent this kind of thing from happening? Somebody needs to get on the ball and outlaw public stupidity, make it a capital crime, and start with Kim Komando.